Love letters: Retorno de Saturno

Hey there, I know it’s been a while since I’ve come over here, and I keep promising more and more…well, a lot is happening at the moment, so much has changed in these past couple of months, and I’ve decided that the best time for me to keep this going will be while I am away from home. (posted today 29/02 from my new home away from home)

Today is actually the 28th of January 2024, and my birthday is in 2 days, and I might be freaking out?

I don’t think I really care about my age; I think I care for what little Camila had planned for this moment, step by step but, silly me, of course, things will not go as planned, especially by an 8-year-old traumatized little girl.

So here I am, thinking about how little I have accomplished, I have literally nothing like: no savings, no investments, no job…always calculating the next step to be able to pay my bills and survive. I wake up alone, and I go to bed alone, and I put my head on the pillow, and I can’t sleep, thinking about how little I have accomplished in my life.

Well, can we go back a little bit before we continue talking about my miserable life?

Let’s say that I am quite sensitive to the unknown — whether you believe it or not, this is also not about religion — and I got a few messages and a few bad and confusing things going on that I almost let myself go down to the “bed depressed” path, but I decided differently.

I took it as a sign for me to try to reconnect with myself and everything around me.

It’s funny though, talking about mysticism here, but it’s my birthday, so I do whatever I want.

What I can tell you is that what I’ve learned, I applied, and I decided that 2024 will be a year where I will change patterns, and I do feel like I am myself again, but after a phenol peeling, or like a Phoenix.

I am allowing myself to just be myself. I am trying new things, playing with my personality, and I think I am finally refining my closet — yes, I have such trouble buying clothes, but that’s not the point — I am learning to be me again.

Such a relief that I am finally there, I missed so much the feeling of walking on the streets like everyone else should be scared of me.

I don’t care what people say about what I am dressing, how I talk…no, not anymore. But what is the Retorno de Saturno?

The “Return of Saturn” is an astrological event that occurs approximately every 29.5 years when Saturn completes its orbit and returns to the position it was in at a person’s birth. It’s often associated with a time of life reassessment and significant personal transition, typically experienced in one’s late twenties and then again in later life cycles.

Oh, what a coincidence indeed! So, it’s my 29th birthday, and yes, I’ve been feeling this for a few months now. Adding to it are these “messages” (call them what you will: signals, messages, schizophrenia…). Astrology suggests that during your Saturn Return, you undergo a major personal transformation and life reevaluation. Common experiences include:

• Self-Reflection: Reassessing life choices, career paths, relationships, and personal goals.
• Challenges: Facing life trials and difficulties, which offer growth and maturation opportunities.
• Major Decisions: Making significant life changes like career shifts, relationship changes, or relocating.
• Growth and Maturity: Transitioning into a more mature adult phase, focusing on personal development and long-term goals.
• Emotional Intensity: Experiencing heightened emotions, from stress to clarity, marking the potential for personal achievements.

Can’t you see? Well, if you’re reading, I hope you can see how this relates to what I am expressing here for the last few months — and I know that only my friends read this, and they know the full story and all the crazy astrology delulu.

It’s funny though, this thing of getting older. I guess I am trying to see myself and play the main character in my own life — finally. For years they tried to make me feel invisible, a ghost. That doesn’t work anymore I am no coward; I am not scared anymore.

What will I be doing tomorrow? Maybe just a regular day, walk in the rain and laugh about how fucking awfully funny life is. Guess happy — very late — birthday to myself.

I hope I continue facing my fears, my battles and my “why’s?”, because how fucking boring is to live a life full of “what if’s?”, regrets and lies.

This was the most special birthday ever, thanks to my big family, I dedicate this series to them.